


shut up and kiss me

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Kismesis, M/M, and other quads eventually, bipolar, depressing as fuck tbh, i think thats the ship name idek, im making myself sad, oh my god this is awful, p sad, p violent, solkat - Freeform, this is trash actually, um im trash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2815556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*could be triggering, cutting, and bipolar mood swings*<br/>kind of a depressing fanfiction honestly, in which Sollux and Karkat hit it off during a support group session.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. beginning

I pulled my sleeves down, tucking them into my palms to hide my cuts. Two long, even slices on each side. It was the first day of my so-called support group recommended from a friend, and the building looked empty. _The flyer said in the library..._ I found a map on the wall and followed it to the best of my ability. when I pushed open the door, a small circle of wooden chairs with trolls in them sat before me. They all turned to look at me; I felt myself get even more nervous. I anxiously pulled my sleeves down again. "Hey, come on in. You are?" a woman asked. She sat looking directly at me, her eyes friendly. I was grateful for my red and blue tinted glasses to hide my flickering eyes.  
"Captor. S-Sollux," I managed. She smiled and tilted her head towards an empty seat. It was next to a short boy with wild black hair and nubby, orange horns peeking through. His eyes had bags tied to them and a permanent scowl was on his lips. he wore a long sleeve black turtleneck, bearing his grey cancer symbol. I wondered if he had cut, too, and I sat in the chair, hesitant to relax.  
"So, Sollux," the lady gave me a glance and I nodded my approval, "how are you feeling?"  
"I-I'm fine," I whispered.  
"Karkat, why don't you introduce yourself for a quick moment," she said to the boy next to me. He nodded, slightly annoyed.  
"Hey, I'm Karkat Vantas. Welcome to the suicidal club," his voice was deep and a little bit rough, and not all too pleased to be there.  
"Karkat," the lady warned, "language."  
"Hi, I'm Sollux," _my lisp and higher voice make me sound like I'm four sweeps old,_ I thought, _oh god._ Karkat turned back to the group, I followed suit.  
"We're here to support each other, Sollux, so feel free to share anything if it will help you feel better," she chided. I nodded, hoping to get out of the hot seat. "We are ending pretty soon here, sorry if you read the flyer. The times were wrong," she continued.  
"Oh, okay, what ti-ime should I come in next week?" I asked, my stutter leaking it's way in.  
"Go ahead and come in at 1:30, we go until about 2:30-3."  
"Okay, yeah," we all stood and walked out in silence. The sun was out and warming.  
I felt a tap on my shoulder; I turned to see Karkat. "Hey, Sol," he said, pulling something out of my pocket, "this is my Trollian handle, if you, you know, want it."  
I took the slip of paper from his hand and tucked it in my pocket. "Thanks. Really."  
He nodded and disappeared into a grey car.  


I got home and flew to my computer, pulling up the chat site. i typed in the handle he gave me, and sure enough I found him.  


twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:12

TA: hey, karkat?

CG: HEY, IM ASSUMING THIS IS YOU, CAPTOR.

TA: yeah iit ii2  
TA: thank2 for doiing thii2 karkat  
TA: my be2t friiend and ii had a really awful falliing out over a mii2under2tandiing and iive had no one two talk two  
TA: and my only other friiend recommended thii2 whole 2upport group thiing after 2he found my 2car2  
TA: 2he2 been pretty bu2y now. not enough tiime two talk  
TA: whiich ii2 cool, ii gue22. we all have our own liive2.  
TA: oh 2hiit 2orry for rambliing 

  
CG: ITS FINE  
CG: I GET IT  
CG: I WENT THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT TOO  
CG: WHERE I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS  
CG: EXCEPT  
CG: IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT AND IT WASNT A MISUNDERSTANDING  
CG: IT WAS CLEAR AS DAY IT WAS MY FAULT. EVERYONE KNEW IT.  
CG: I KNEW IT.  
CG: ANYWAY, IF YOU EVER WANT TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED, FEEL FREE. I HAVE NO ROOM TO JUDGE YOU SO DONT WORRY ABOUT THAT.

TA: oh, okay, yeah, maybe ii'll take you up on that 2oon

CG: OK

TA: thank2 agaiin, kk

CG: SURE  
CG: SO I GUESS WERE FRIENDS NOW

TA: yeah, ii'd hope 2o

CG: OK  
CG: SEE YOU NEXT SATURDAY, SOL.

TA: later

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 16:01

I sat back and wiped off an escaped tear. _Why was I so emotional? I just met the guy. He's just being friendly. That's it. That's literally it.  
ugh! whatever._ I hated being like this.

The week crawled by, and I was excited for the weekend. on most days I was too shy to text Karkat first, so I would just sit at my computer, my heart jumping at every beep it made, even if it wasn't a message. Saturday rolled around at long last, and I dressed how I did last time: black, short sleeve t-shirt with the yellow Gemini symbol, one long blue sleeve on one side and one long red on the other, grey rolled-up pants and mismatching black and white shoes. I felt like some girl excited to meet her crush.

I followed the map again to the library, and found most of them there already. Karkat was on his phone, snarling at some game. I tapped his shoulder as I sat down, bringing his eyes up to me.  
"Oh, hey Sol, what's up," he asked, pocketing his phone.  
"Nothing really, I guess, you?" I tried my best not to make it obvious that I had been looking forward to this all week, and probably did an awful job, but Karkat didn't say anything.  
"Pretty sick of this whole fucking thing, actually," he replied, folding his hands behind his head. "I might stop coming."  
 _what? no!_ "Ha, I would too if my friend would let me. But she'd have my head if I tried," I lied, chuckling quietly. Karkat grunted what I think was a form of laughter without smiling.  
"Yeah, same. I guess we're both stuck here, then."  
I hid the fact that I was okay with that, and turned my attention to the center. The lady was there again, addressing us. She smiled.  
"Hello, survivors!"  
the group chided back a weak, "Good afternoon."  
We went over the mantra of all adults in response to suicidal kids: Always tell someone. Don't hurt yourself. You're worth it. Suicide is never the answer. Blah, blah, blah.  
God, I've heard those so many times. It's like people don't realize that saying, "Don't hurt yourself," doesn't heal me. It doesn't cure my bipolar disorder, or depression or anxiety, or anything. All it does is get on my nerves insanely.  
Next, there was chatter where we asked everyone how they were feeling and I could tell only two people gave honest answers. I was one of the liars, of course.  
"Let's talk, now. Sollux, since you're the newbie, why don't you pick a topic?" she said sweetly.  
"Oh, uhh, yeah, er, okay," I stuttered helplessly, "what about, uh, school?" it was the first thing that popped into my head, and managed to get out of my mouth. She nodded.  
"Okay, anything specific about it? Schoolwork, social?"  
I shook my head, avoiding everyone's eyes and letting her take the conversation where she pleased, including the two people who gave honest answers. They were the ones who fueled the conversation. Occasionally, Miss would pull in a quiet one and force their opinions out, faked or not. I suppose I had had enough for the day; she didn't pull me in again. We dismissed, and Karkat and I stood outside.  
"Hey, if you want, you can come to my hive after this," he offered.  
I knew I was blushing a bright yellow, but I nodded. "Y-yeah, that'd be cool." I would do anything to be out of my hive, to not be alone with myself.  
His face gave the slightest hint that if he smiled at all, he'd be doing it now. "Come on."


	2. relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gettin busy  
> wonk

I followed him into the grey car from last week.

"Are you old enough to drive?" I asked suspiciously. He looked my age, like 7-7 1/2 sweeps.  
"Well, no," he answered, "but I do anyway."  
okay? I guess that works...  
"Ready to go?" he asked. I nodded, not sure if I was or not. We took off, unexpectedly slowly. Karkat drove at a steady pace, way too slow, and was awful at driving. The lines in the road didn't even effect him.  
"When did you learn to drive?" I gripped my door nervously, although we were going at least 20 beneath the speed limit.  
"Well, I didn't learn, per se," _oh, great,_ "I looked it up about a year ago."  
"Looked it up?! What do you mean?" I cried, getting really concerned, not only about my safety but about, oh, I don't know, the law.  
"I mean I looked it up. Did some research. Found this old guy, and started it up. Turns out it works pretty well," he replied, patting the dashboard. "Stop blushing, it's going to be fine."  
I self consciously lifted my hands to my cheeks. They felt warm beneath my fingers, and were probably yellow as a fucking daisy. Love it.  
"How far do you live?" I asked, pretty eager to swap subjects.  
"Right here," we pulled into a short hive with a few windows and balconies. I followed him into it; most of the furniture was black or grey and the whole house was tacked with cheesy movie posters.  
"You like these?" I pointed to one of the posters.  
"They're highly sophisticated movies, with deep messages that I think go under fucking appreciated most of the time," he responded.  
Karkat continued to his room, which was plastered with even more posters. His pod was long and purple, green slime filling the inside. The rest of his room was composed of his computer and various objects lying around. It actually reminded me slightly of my room, which was also a disaster.  
"Well yeah, this is my room, so if you want to go back downstairs and watch a movie that's cool; my custodian won't give," he added, relaxing against the doorframe.  
I shrugged. "Alright, I haven't seen many, so just pick your favorite."  
Again, his mouth made a shape where I got the sense that if he were to smile, this is what it'd look like. We ventured back downstairs and settled on the couch. Karkat turned on the television, and hit a few buttons. Of course, he had it in the disc drive already. I sat on the edge, one arm relaxed on the couch rest. He collapsed beside me, excitement (???) passing through his eyes.

Halfway through the flick, I got less interested in the movie and more into Karkat, to be blunt. He looked so utterly intrigued by the movie, and was completely consumed by it. I guess he wouldn't mind if I scooted a bit closer?  
I did exactly that, bumping over a few inches. He didn't mind at all, and only flickered his eyes towards me. I could see a small blush crawl into his cheeks. Was it... red?  
"How do you pay so much attention to these movies? they're so predictable."  
"These are not!" he cried defensively. "They're not."  
"They are, a little bit," I teased. He shoved my shoulder.  
"Not!"  
I pushed him right back, with a little more force. "Yep."  
"No way," he whined, meeting my challenge with a harder shove. "If you think you can beat me in this, you're fucking wrong."  
I stood and he followed suit, and I met him with a harsh push against both shoulders. He stumbled back a foot or two, before regaining balance and driving me onto his other love seat. Our bodies crashed together, our noses nearly touching, our hot breath mixing.   
"So, I win?" he whispered. I rolled my eyes.  
"Shut up and kiss me." Karkat obliged by mashing his lips with mine.  
I felt his tongue swipe against my bottom lip, and I parted my lips to give him access. My tongue, split into two points at the end, hooked around his and entwined both of ours together. I felt my bulges squirm, ready. We broke apart, both breathing heavily.  
"Sol..." he panted. I closed my eyes, as if he could tell, and pulled his head back in another kiss. His hips bore against mine, making me squirm a little more in my trousers. Karkat's hands found their way into my hair, completely tarnishing my two points, which I guess was fine. I felt him discover my horns, and grip the pair of larger ones tightly and use them to buck his hips further into mine. I couldn't help but let out a loud moan at this; which gave him more leverage in my mouth to wrestle with my tongue.  
My region was going ape-shit at his movements. My bulges twirled themselves together then apart, anxious and hopelessly aroused. Karkat backed off, pushing himself off using my shoulders. He panted, regaining his breath and composure. His cheeks were flushed a definite red.  
"Damn," I muttered, pushing my hair out of my face. Karkat's hair was actually wilder than usual from my grabbing and playing with it.Who knew hair was so fun.  
"Hey, Sol," he breathed. "are you- do you have caliginous feeling for me?"  
"I think," I caught my breath, "i think so, yeah."  
"Do you want to, you know, be my kismesis?"  
"Yeah, yeah, that'd be good."  
An actual smile? Small, but there. Karkat Vantas had flashed a small trace of an actual grin. "Alright, well I suppose you should head home before my crabby custodian gets all fussy. Thanks for coming over, Captor."  
"Anytime, Vantas. Maybe next time you'll come to my place," I offered, chuckling.  
"Don't joke about that or I really will show up," he warned jokingly, leading me back to his door. I braced myself for another awful trip home in his car. We lived surprisingly close; the trip was only a few minutes. We chatted aimlessly, mainly about how both of our custodians were really protective. I pulled a strand of his hair as a form of good bye when I stepped out of the car, and disappeared into my hive. Karkat loitered for a few seconds before pulling out and awfully driving off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like trash omg hope you enjoyed the kind of not really smut


	3. confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't get the damn html to function properly so um there aren't any text colors for this chapter sorry :(  
> on another note this chapter includes some gay trolls shocker

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 22:20

CG: HEY

TA: hii

CG: ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING TOMORROW?

TA: can't get enough of me can you  
TA: but no iim not

CG: NOT TO FUCK  
CG: MAYBE AFTER BUT I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU  
CG: SO MAYBE WE COULD JUST TALK  
CG: AND THEN FUCK, IF YOU WANT

TA: talk about 2eriio2 2tuff?  
TA: ii gue22 that2 cool yeah  
TA: ii want two know more about you two  
TA: 2o, twomorrow? becau2e iim free ba2iically all week

CG: NO, I WANT TO DO IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE CG: I LIKE BEING WITH YOU, SOL, AS MUCH AS I HATE YOUR ASS

TA: thank2, ii 2uppo2e.  
TA: what tiime

CG: WHAT ABOUT LIKE  
CG: 12ISH

TA: okay yeah that2 cool

CG: OKAY? TOMORROW, AT NOON?

TA: 2ound2 good.

CG: COOL.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 22:34

okay, so I guess my second real date with Karkat had been made. cool.  
he said he wanted to know more about me... did that mean I was going to have to talk about what happened? probably. I should've thought this through, actually, instead of just blindly taking up the offer. Hell, if Karkat asked me to come over and smoke a bunch of pot I'd probably go without hesitation, although I'm completely drug-free and will always be. I don't know; its just the combination of idiot me and Karkat.

My phone buzzed with a notification from Trollian. Karkat was letting me know he was out front. I mentally prepared myself to spill about the incident. However reluctant I try to be, I know that I stood no chance. I headed out, palms clenched around balled up sleeves. The grey car awaited me in my driveway, and i hopped in. The ride to his place was, of course, awful and completely illegal.

When we got in, we both sat together on his couch like last time, except this time there was no movie watching or making out. Yet.  
"Okay. First things first, I need to tell you, I was clinically diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder a sweep and a half ago. so, keep that in mind. Last year, I was really close friends with a boy named Eridan. Eridan was completely and hopelessly bound to a girl named Feferi. Feferi and I were really close as well, and the three of us were virtually inseparable. That is, until a few months back.  
"Eridan finally grew a pair of balls and asked Fef out. He had had the largest crush on her for the longest time, and he finally did it. She, however, turned him down. Eridan took it really hard, blaming me for it, saying that me and Fef had something going on that he didn't know about. Which we didn't. And one day, Fef and I were hanging out in the library, joking around, getting a little bit of work done. Eridan came bursting in, screaming about how i betrayed him and how awful I was. He came at me, hard and fast. I put up a fight of course, but i could only last so long, for he had cheated and spiked his rings. Fef was crying, and began hanging on him, begging for him to quit. The poor, twisted bastard turned and started wailing on her, pounding her face and body. Her purple blood was everywhere, all over his knuckles and the library floor. I had passed out from a blow to the temple, and was perched against a bookshelf, staining everything around me yellow. "When I woke up, I was in the hospital. My head was bandaged and so was my face and stomach. I had a hell of a migraine, and I couldn't remember shit. I sat up, and saw that next to me was no other than Feferi. She was bandaged more, but her bandages were soaked with purple. She was hooked up to so many machines, and I was so dazed, I kept crying to the nurse asking if she was going to live, if she was okay. I had left her alone with Eridan, I had done this to Eridan, I had done this to Feferi. I was the cause, because if I hadn't pushed Eridan to ask her and been so selfish, This wouldn't have happened," I choked a little, and bit my lip. "Feferi would be okay, not permanently disabled. Eridan wouldn't be locked up.  
"I felt like I should've hurt more, I should've gotten out with more than two or so scars. So, I gave myself more. I thought I deserved it, so I took a razor and sliced two long slits in my wrist, from just below the palm of my hand to four inches above the crook of my elbow. I did two on each arm," I paused to lift my sleeves and show the scars, "and I let myself bleed. I didn't care if I died or lived, it didn't matter. I didn't care. I watched the yellow drip from each arm, and I just kept seeing purple, seeing how much blood she shed. I had my razor in one hand, about to do it again, when I passed out and again, woke up in the hospital only this time, I was alone, like I deserved to be. Like I should be."

Karkat was a good listener. He remained silent until the end, and held my hand when I had extended it to show him my scars. It was actually very relaxing to have his thumb running up and down the two long, pale scars.  
He continued his silence for a while. I began to feel self-conscious. _oh my god, i said too much. he probably thinks I'm some self-harm freak... oh god. what have i done? oh, shit, oh, holy shit._  
"Sollux?" he asked quietly, not taking his eyes from the scars.  
"Y-yeah?" I replied tentatively. He leaned forward a little, and pulled me back into his arms. His hair tickled the side of my face; his nose brushing my neck.I blinked and froze completely. _what? this is not normal._ I slowly folded my arms around him, too. His warmth made me want to stay like that forever, but he backed away slightly.  
"You didn't deserve," he pulled my wrist forward again, "this. It wasn't your fault. You don't need to hurt for both you and Feferi."  
I fidgeted. "But it wa-"  
"Don't argue with me," he said gently. I knew any efforts I put forth would be futile, so I simply nodded. "Now, shut up and kiss me." He dropped my wrist and I kissed him, full of passion and just gratefulness. Grateful for someone who didn't think I was insane. Grateful for his warmth. Grateful for him.  
Karkat smiled so faintly, I wasn't sure if it even counted as a smile. Hell, I was grateful for that, too, even if it looked only like a ghost of a smile. He laid down behind me, and extended one arm. "Come on, lay with me."  
I fell back, and he draped his arm across my chest. His body curled around mine, and his nose just barely touched my ear. "Please, don't ever hurt yourself again," he whispered, breath warm against my neck.  
 _I won't.  
Not with him next to me._


	4. him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> very very lovey dovey gay boys enjoy

I got lost in my own thoughts; it was so easy to feel comfortable with him. I get why he wears that sweater now, it's really fucking soft. After a short while of me daydreaming, I heard gentle snoring coming from over my shoulder. When I turned to see, Karkat had passed out with his chin still tucked into me. He looked grumpy even when he was sleeping!  
I realized that I still didn't know Karkat's story, which is not cool, because he knows mine. So, I woke him up in the good ol' kismesis way: I turned and crashed our lips together, biting furiously at his bottom lip. He whined a little bit before opening his eyes.  
"Fucking ow, really?" he grumbled, touching his fingers to his bottom lip.  
"Time to get up, asshole. I need to know your story," I replied, sitting up.  
"You know there is some love in our relationship, right?"  
"Yeah, there is, but that can wait until after."  
He sat up, too, running his hands through his very, very messy hair. I couldn't even tell if he had horns anymore, to be honest. Where the fuck are they?!  
"Okay, but look what time it is," he disappeared into the kitchen and reappeared with his phone."It's almost five o clock. Four thirty, actually."  
"Do you have something to do tomorrow?" I replied. I didn't.  
"Yeah, Sol, it's a thing called school. Ever heard of it?" he retorted.  
I always forget that not everyone is homeschooled like I am.  
"Oh, yeah, I pulled out of public school because of," I swallowed, "what happened, so now I've just hacked into one of the online schools and made myself a student at it."  
"Hacked?"  
"Well, yeah," I shrugged. He shook his head at me in a disbelieving manner.  
"I guess you can stay over, as long as I get some sleep. If you want," he offered, sitting on the arm of the couch.  
"Will your custodian care?"  
"Eh. Will yours?"  
"Eh."  
We looked at each other, me smirking, him with his usual annoyed look. His expression grew more curious and he readjusted his position awkwardly, though, and it took me a second to realize I wasn't wearing my glasses. I cursed, and snatched them from the table.  
"No! I like your eyes," he whined. I paused, glasses in one hand. No one liked my eyes. They were fucking weird.  
"What?"  
"I said, I like your eyes. Keep your glasses off."  
My cheeks felt insanely warm. "Uh, okay, sure," I dropped my glasses back to the table, leaving my weird ass heterochromatic eyes revealed. The right was completely red, the left completely blue.  
Karkat wiggled a little bit on the couch rest. "Nevermind. Put them on. Put the glasses back on."  
"But you just-"  
"I know, but put them on, please," he begged. I blinked slowly. "Please, Sol."  
I reached forward, and slid my glasses back on. He relaxed and stopped wriggling, for the most part. "Thanks."  
"Okay, what was that all about?" I asked.  
"What? Nothing," he replied, a little bit defensive.  
"Vantas," I said, in warning, "what the fuck are you going on about?"  
"It's nothing to be concerned about, calm your bulge," he said dismissively  
"Whatever," I said, figuring I'd dig it out of him later. "So should I go get clothes or what?"  
"I think I have some t-shirts or something that might work for you," Karkat said, not really concerned.  
I shrugged, and leaned back.  
"You don't really need a shirt, if you don't want one," he added, looking up and down my body. "or pants. it's fine."  
I laughed. "I actually don't think you've told me anything about you, so I will keep my clothes on, until the story is told."  
"What? That's hardly fair," he complained.  
"Oh, please," I rolled my eyes. "Just tell me."  
"Maybe I will. Are you hungry?" he hopped off the couch, and I followed him into the kitchen.  
We browsed the shelf, looking for something easy to make. Karkat settled on some Ramen and found a big pot and started to make it. I sat on top of the counter, twisting my feet together.  
"Right now would be a great time, you know," I touched his side with the tip of my yellow sock.  
"Tsk, shut up, I'm making you food," he grumbled, "wait until we eat, at least."  
I politely held back the fact that I had other eating to do.  
wink wank.

After about a year, Karkat deemed the Ramen ready, and poured it into two bowls.We sat opposite each other at a round table. I looked at him expectedly, and he sighed. "Alright, so I guess you're going to beg now unless I tell you, right?"  
"Sounds about right."  
He sighed again, exasperated. "Okay then, let's begin.  
"It happened last year. I was feeling pretty cocky, to be honest. I had a close group of friends, and although we weren't the most popular, I felt like we were. I felt like I was king, because all these trolls looked up to me as their unofficial leader. One night, I wanted to prove it. I wanted to do crazy things. So, I proposed that we all get drunk, and play some games. They all thought it was great, so one of the girls named Roxy snuck in an assload of liquor, and I got some, too. We found an abandoned train car close by, and decided to set up there.  
"As expected, it was all fun and games at the beginning. We all got drunk, and I can't remember anything clearly except the incident. Everyone was snogging and giggling and playing truth or dare, and then someone brought the inevitable and said, hey, why don't we play a game of chicken?  
"I was mad drunk, and you guessed it, I was the one with the ingenious suggestion. We were about to head to the highway when we heard a train rattling down the tracks towards us. Without a second thought, we ran back and more than half of us stood on the tracks, including me. The headlights were visible, bright like two new suns barreling towards us. I got out in the nick of time, but three didn't. My best friend took the full impact, leaving a dark purple blood all over the track. A younger one, again a close friend, tripped and his legs were ran clean over. The third was a girl who had never drank a drop of alcohol until that night and died because of me.  
"Those who could remember clearly turned on me. They said I recommended it, and that I shouldn't have lived. I knew it was true, I believed it. I didn't think I should live, either. I started wearing black, and I stopped giving a shit about my hair. I was diagnosed with insomnia that year, too, and the doctor who diagnosed it said it was probably due to depression. Whoop dee doo, turns out I got diagnosed with clinical depression too.My old friends, and basically everyone, would make fun of me at school, calling me a goth, good for nothing scrub. They said I was why those two died, and why Tavros lost his legs. I sobbed everyday when I came home, ignoring my anti-depressants and just giving up. I tried to end it three times, failing miserably each time. I hated that I didn't have the will to do it. I wanted to die, I just wanted to die, and I couldn't bring myself to do it, which made me despise myself with a thicker passion. I couldn't stand being alone or with people, the only friend I was left with was a girl named Terezi. Terezi was blind and quite a lunatic, actually, but she didn't blame me for what happened, and she saw it as a group action, not because of a certain person. We weren't that close most of the time, I was too scared to let her in. Hell, I was too scared to let anyone in.  
"But she was all I had. I had her, she had me. And that was how it was, for a while. Then, I found a flyer for this lying around school, asked Terezi about it, and she did a stupid coin flip, and then I found myself sitting in that room, with Miss and a bunch of other gloomy misfits." He finished with a shrug. His story was so much worse than mine; how could I possibly be so broken about mine? Compared to him, I was weak. Pretty damn weak. He hadn't even gone to harming himself like I had. Had he?  
"KK, did you," I gestured to my own wrists, then his, "er, you know?"  
He shook his head, rubbing one wrist, semi-protectively. "I couldn't. I don't know why, I just couldn't."  
I nodded and cleared my throat. "You've probably heard this a thousand times before, KK, but listen up. It wasn't your fault, I don't care what they say. From what I've heard, no one was in their right minds. There's no way you would've said that sober. And they all agreed with you. There was no force of any kind. There's no need to blame yourself," I reached across the table and took his hand. "No need."  
He shied away from my touch, but I kept my grasp. He avoided my eyes and watched his heels rub into the floor instead.  
"Do you believe me?" I asked. he shifted.  
"I want to say yes, Sollux, I really do."  
"Don't say it if it's not true."  
"I don't really know," he looked up fleetingly, quickly returning his gaze to his feet. "Part of me does."  
"Is there anything I can do to make you believe me?"  
"J-just, stay with me. Okay?"  
I nodded; "Of course, as long as you want me to."  
He looked up at me, his face flickering with a smile, then gone. Red filled his cheeks. "Yes. I... I believe you."  
A warm feeling consumed my body. "Really?" My voice dripped with hope, a smile naturally spreading across my cheeks.  
"Yeah, I think so. I trust you, Sollux. Life hasn't been kind to you either. I know you mean it," he held a grin this time, tentative and stuttering, but there. A grin. It was... gorgeous.  
And genuine.  
And I was grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was so cheesy oh my god  
> so sappy i cant take it


	5. sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut warning, though im almost certain you guys dont mind at all.  
> not that well written smut I guess idk but yeah enjoy this trash.

Karkat and I both threw on plaid pajama pants that he had like four pairs of. God knows why. I didn't feel like wearing a shirt, so I didn't, but Karkat threw on a black t-shirt that had small cuts in it and a very loose collar. He threw another fit and forced me to put on my glasses, then we both went in his room and got some blankets on the floor.  
"Shit, Captor, it's fucking 10 o clock," he groaned.  
"Only ten?" I said, genuinely surprised.  
"I have school. I have to actually sleep," he replied. He flopped onto the faux mattress we crafted.  
"Killjoy," I muttered, landing next to him. He said something along the lines of "shut the fuck up," but I wasn't really paying much attention. The light from his phone illuminated his face. I rolled over so our backs were lopsidedly on top of each other, and the backs of our skulls bonked.  
"Who's gallowsCalibrator?" I asked, reading the blue text upside down.  
"Terezi," He answered, using his head to push me off. "She likes to text at odd hours."  
I laughed. "Let me text her."  
"What are you going to say?"  
"Nothing! Just let me text," I whined, leaning for his phone. "Come on."  
He dropped it into my awaiting hand. "But, I get yours."  
I fished mine from my folded jeans and tossed it to him. "Whatever."

GC: K4RK4T?  
GC: WH3R3D YOU GO >:? 

CG: iim riight here  
CG: SORRY I MEANT IM RIGHT HERE  
CG: UM  
CG: FUCKER

GC: 4R3 YOU OK4Y

CG: YEAH IM FINE WHY WOULDNT I BE  
CG: JUST GOT FUCKED UP THE ASS BY A GOD.  
CG: IT WAS FUCKING GREAT.

GC: 1M H4PPY TO H3R3 TH4T?  
GC: 1S TH1S YOU K4RK4T?

CG: haha, no, iit2 hii2 friiend 2ollux

GC: OH  
GC: H3H3H3, 1 W4S CONFUS3D

CG: ii thought my iimiitatiion of kk wa2 pretty accurate two  
CG: he diidnt really ju2t get fucked up the a22 by a god though  
CG: he only dreamt about iit  
CG: the god beiing me

GC: W3LL, 1 HOP3 H3 3NJOY3D TH4T  
GC: 1 4LW4YS THOUGH K4RK4T WOULD B3 4 B1T ST1FF 1N B3D

CG: nah, iit probably wouldve been pretty enjoyable.

GC: 1M GL4D TO H34R TH4T.  
GC: SO WH4T C4N 1 H3LP YOU W1TH, SOLLUX

CG: ah, nothiing really. ju2t tell me all the diirt you got on kk

GC: H3H3H3  
GC: W1TH PL34SUR3

CG: TEREZI DONT YOU FUCKING DARE  
CG: hold on, he2 fiightiing me for hii2 phone.  
CG: DONT  
CG: here2 my handle ju2t tell msdfdkjl;  
CG: jhgkib  
CG: me there "twinArmageddons"  
CG: FUCK TEREZI DONGT'NMBOIN

GC: NO PROBL3M SOLLUX  
GC: BY3 K4RK4T >;]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 22:21

CG: FUCK YOU TEREZI

I laughed so hard, I clenched my stomach. "Oh god. This is going to be good."  
"Fuck you too, Captor," Karkat mumbled, furiously being furious.  
I grinned as my phone dinged in a new notification from gallowsCalibrator. This is going to be so good.  
"You're going to regret this. Really," he told me. He was giving me the look that said "I'm so fucking tired of your shit, just wait", so basically Karkat's default look, and I laughed a little more at that.  
"Aha, guess what she said. 'Karkat likes his feet touched.' This true?" I asked, going for a foot.  
"No, its not! Stop!" he cried, drawing his feet beneath him. "Don't listen to her! She's bat shit crazy!"  
"Ooh! 'finds self-cest arousing,' she says!" I started to wonder how she found out, then figured it better left alone.  
"That was a totally unique situation that has a totally legitimate circumstances behind it and no I was not turned on!"  
hm. I decided to remember that for later. She filled me in on a bunch of good stuff I refrained from saying out loud. A lot of it made me question what in the hell they discussed in their conversations, but then I figured that that, too, was better left alone.  
"Hey, hold on," I said, confused, as my Trollian dinged again. This time it wasn't from Terezi. "Did you message AA?"  
"Yeah, but they didn't text back."  
Until now.

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 22:13

TA: HEY  
TA: i mean hey  
TA: ii mean ii mean  
TA: oh fuck whatever

AA: hey s0llux y0u 0kay

TA: haha, yeah, that wa2 my friiend karkat  
TA: well not really friiend  
TA: but whatever

AA: 0h 0kay haha  
AA: i was w0ndering because y0u didnt s0und like y0u

TA: nah, kk and ii are very diiferent  
TA: he type2 iin all cap2 ALL THE TIIME  
TA: and 2ay2 fuck a lot

AA: s0 y0u guys are hanging 0ut?

TA: yeah  
TA: oh yeah he2 my kii2me2ii2  
TA: ii thought ii 2hould tell you becau2e ii forgot la2t week  
TA: we actually met at that therapy thiing. funny huh?

AA: 0h s0llux thats great  
AA: im happy y0u f0und s0me0ne  
AA: i kn0w y0u get pretty l0nely s0metimes

TA: thank2 aa!  
TA: text you later, okay

AA: bye  
AA: wear pr0tecti0n!

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 22:29

"That was Aradia you texted. She was my only friend up until I met you," I tossed my phone back on my pile of discarded clothing. "Ah, cool, so I guess you wouldn't mind at all if I texted her?" He asked, pulling out his phone.  
"Uh, yeah, but you don't have her tag," I replied, feeling pretty victorious.  
"Don't I? Its not that hard to remember apocalypseArisen."  
Oh, fuck. He keyed it in, smirking, and I heard it ding in a response. "Ooh, whats this now?"  
"What? Whatd she say?" I demanded, tackling Karkat. Aradia wouldn't rat my secrets that easily, right?!  
"Oh, nothing," he said, mischeviously. I snatched for the phone but he used both arms to protect it. I clawed at his arms to no avail.  
"Hm. I didn't want it to come to this, but..." I bowed my head and put our lips together. He made a small noise, which I used for leverage to cram my tongue in his mouth. I slid my hand down his torso and found his hands. Snaking my way into his palm, I retrieved his phone and smirked into the kiss.  
I pulled my hand back and rolled off, to Karkat's grumbling. "Hey, wait, where's my- you ASSHOLE!" he looked at the small device I had in my hand. I smirked again.  
"Give it back!" he whined. I shook my head and held it tighter, laughing. "You nookcrunching pimplesqueezing fucksponge, Captor. Give it back."  
"Haha, no."

He sat up completely. "You. Little. Fucker."  
"Not helping your case," I sang back. He spotted my abandoned phone, and we both made a dive for it. I scooped it into my hand in the nick of time, thank god for long arms and a short Vantas. I held both above my head, yelling, "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?"  
Karkat glared at me, using both his middle fingers to give me an overall very obscene gesture. I laughed harder and put them in the pocket of these pajama pants. He quit his obscene gesture making and folded his arms across his chest, grumbling. I sat on my heels, mocking his position. I couldn't keep from snicker at the waves of despise I was receiving; if looks could kill I'd be a cadaver already. I was about to prompt maybe if we watched a movie of my choosing I could be persuaded into giving the device back, when I felt the full force of Karkat's body weight on top of me. I breathed out a quiet 'o shit' and fell onto my back.He had me pinned by my shoulders and would look rather cozy on my stomach, except that he actually looked rather pissed off.  
"Don't make me," he warned, licking his lips. I opened my mouth to tell him that one of the thighs he was using to straddle me was protecting the phones for me, but Karkat sensed denial of some sort and dropped down to land a bite on my collarbone. I yelped, "Karkat! What the-"  
He stopped the pressure and sucked on the bite, then murmured against my skin, "I said, don't make me. I will do it again." in truth, that wasn't really an issue.  
"I was just going to say- sHIT!" he closed his jaw around the other side of my collarbone.  
"Phone. Now."  
"If you haven't realized, I'm not in much of a position to-" he really likes cutting me off, doesn't he? He found a different spot, further up my neck, and bit down. I groaned and attempted to move my arms, maybe to flip the situation or I don't even know what I wanted to achieve, but it didn't work. For such a small kid, Karkat had one hell of a grip.

His hair was wild enough to be all over my face, and as he moved his head around a small savior came into view: his nubby little horn. I smirked, knowing the battle was won, and closed my mouth around his horn, playing my tongue around the base. His body relaxed instantly, grip loosening. _gotchya._ The only thing on my neck now was his hot breath panting, and his fangs failing to gain purchase on my neck to get me back. I tried to focus on not smirking, because my mouth had other jobs. Karkat began to regain more control, and I did the first thing that came to mind: humming.  
I started humming onto his horn, and it worked actually very well. His body collapsed again, but this time he managed out a 'fuck you, Captor.' He was like putty in my hands, so I pushed myself up, taking him with me, and down onto _his_ back. Oh, hell yeah. It was his turn to be pinned, and I was rather proud of my maneuver.

I lifted my lips from his head, grinning. He panted loudly, and as soon as he realized what position he was in he started to squirm. "No, this isn't fucking fair. Let me the fuck up, _now_."  
"Not today, Vantas." Again, if looks could kill. I paused for a second, taking one hand off him and tossing my glasses to the side. I blinked a few times, getting adjusted to the light. Karkat groaned.  
"You whining shitlicking dumbdumb, oh fuck you," he cursed as I scattered kisses around his jawline. "I'm going to get you back."  
"You keep saying that, but I have yet to feel threatened," I replied, brushing my lips up to his. "I'm not very concerned."  
"Shut up and kiss me." I could feel his lips moving against mine, not quite close enough to count as kissing.  
"I kind of like this, actually," I murmured back. He whined.  
"Just kiss me you little fucker." I dipped my head a fraction lower so our mouths met. I expected a fairly good kiss in return, with pleasant tongue 'nd shit. But no, I received sharp teeth gnawing at my bottom lip and sucking my tongue into his mouth to bite that, too. The room was filled with gasping as we caught our breath between these so called kisses.  
"You know," I panted. "I think it's about damn time you took this sweater off." I tugged at the hem of it. Pushing my weight back, I yanked it off his body and threw it somewhere in vicinity of my clothes.  
"I don't remember giving you permission."  
"I don't remember asking."  
I could feel him roll his eyes at that. 

I gave him another kiss, pulling away before he get too good of a grip on my lip. Scooting farther back to his thighs, I ran my hands over his smooth chest. Calling him well-built wouldn't be _that_ much of a lie, but a lie nonetheless. He was thin, and I could feel the hilly section of his ribs. His grubscars were a bright red in contrast to the grey skin surrounding them. I rubbed them with my thumb, pressing gently. Karkat stretched out, biting his lip and trying to be quiet. I noticed this, and of course made it harder for him by lapping my forked tongue against the lumps. He attempted to suppress a moan and failed. "You are the worst, most putrid douchefuck to ever walk this planet."  
"I'll take that as meaning that I'm doing a good job." I continued to adorn his chest with hickeys, getting increasingly more brutal with my bites. I reached the top of his pajama pants and sat back. "Alright, I guess you should get some sleep."  
"What?!" he demanded. I swung my legs off and yawned.  
"You heard me. You have school, wouldn't want to miss it." he pushed himself onto his elbows.  
"No! Wait, you incompetent probing assclown, finish this!"  
"Are you begging?" I teased, eyeing him.  
"No, I'm not, I'm simply telling you to finish what you started."  
"I think I should hear some begging."  
"You little fucker, I will not beg." he folded his arms across his chest.  
"Alright then." I pushed a hand through my hair and pulled out my phone, pretending like I had something better to do.  
"What are you doing?" he asked, opening his eyes a little wider.  
"Going on Instagram," I replied, scrolling through my feed aimlessly.  
"But, what about, you know," he managed.  
"Nah, I don't."  
"What about me?"  
"What about you?"  
"You were kissing me."  
"Yes, I was."  
"Continue."  
"Beg." a blush crawled to his cheeks when I said this.  
"W-what? No!" he exclaimed.  
"Guess you're on your own," I sighed, not looking up.  
"Sollux. I will not beg."  
"Okay," I answered without making a move.  
"So? What are you going to do?" he asked sharply.  
"Probably go to sleep here soon. I'm pretty comfortable."  
"Come on, Captor, please do it." he forced out, grumbling.  
"Please do what, Karkat?" I returned, in the most innocent voice I could manage.  
"Come on, you know what!"  
No I don't. Just say it."  
"Please fuck me, Sollux!" he yelled, annoyed. I smirked and dropped my phone.  
"Why didn't you just say so?" 

I crawled forward and continued the sloppy make-outs, sliding one hand down his chest and into his pajama pants. Karkat squeaked in response. I palmed his bulge through his thin boxers, feeling a little bit of stickiness. He grumbled and I let it curl around my finger before sliding down his boxers, too. Now free from the fabric, his bulge wrapped itself around my hand. It dripped with natural lube as it was toyed with, and I broke from Karkat and dropped my head down, applying my tongue from base to tip. I held it steady with one hand and slowly moved my mouth down the shaft, starting at the top, earning a moan.  
I reached the base, the bulge tickling the back of my throat. It slicked along my teeth, tangling with my tongue. Karkat continued to release some pretty hot sounds, mainly whispered 'fucks' and long, loud moans, and grabbed at my horns, gripping them desperately. I had to hold his hips down; they were bucking like shit, slamming into my mouth. At his warning, I started sucking hard and drawing back. I pushed my nose to his pelvic bone at the last second, drinking down his cum.  
He panted insanely, and I sat up and wiped off my mouth, which dribbled with red. He finally dropped the hand that was still clinging to my horn and pushed it through his own hair instead. This whole time, my bulges were straining insanely, twirling together then apart and together again. It was actually starting to hurt. I folded my legs on top of each other, like it even mattered if I had popped a bulge or not. 

"Alright, your turn," he said huskily, resting a hand on my chest. I widened my eyes and shook my head.  
"What? No, dude, it's cool, don't-" I stuttered, him pushing his palm around, running over my yellow grubscars.  
"It's only fair. Now, shut up." he went down to kissing my chest.  
"KK, there's something you really ought to-"  
"I said, shut the fuck up." _alright, but it's going to be a bit of a surprise I have two fucking dicks._ Wasting no time, Karkat slid off my pants and boxers and paused. _I tried to tell you._ He picked right back up, hardly missing a beat, and lowered his lips to my bulges. They writhed up to meet him, slithering into the warmth of his mouth. I couldn't help but moan. His tongue slid between them, bringing the two to wrap together around it. My hips bucked without my permission, pressing my bulges further into his throat. He hummed ever so slightly, sending reverberations up my body. I felt him put two firm hands on my hips to derail further thrusts. I tried to hold still, because I figured that'd be better than squirming like ape-shit, which is what my body felt like doing now. My stomach had a warm feeling growing inside of it, and I gave the smallest bit of warning before releasing into his mouth. I saw great flashes of red and blue in front of my face, and my head thumped so hard I cried out. It was over quickly, and in a haze I saw Karkat looking scared and distantly saying something. But it was like a radio not tuned in; I just heard static.  
I swayed a bit, holding a palm against my forehead, and regained balance. At this point, Karkat had one hand on my cheek and was saying something along the lines of _are you okay?_ I shook my head clear of it, and looked at him.  
"What the hell was that?" I muttered, clutching at my sweaty hairline.  
"You tell me. Are you alright? You start emitting this weird red-blue light from your eyes, then you just kind of flashed and then you were like this." he asked, concerned.  
The headache was gone in seconds, and I felt great. I felt like I could run ten marathons whilst singing an opera. "Dude, I'm perfect. I have no idea what that was, but I feel spectacular."  
"I don't know if that's normal, but I'm glad, I think," he responded, half-smiling. "And I don't really remember you telling me you had two fucking dicks."  
"I remember trying to tell you, and being told to shut the fuck up." he nodded, and brushed off his lips.  
"Fuck, it's past eleven," he groaned, yanking up his pajama pants and throwing himself onto a pillow. "I have to fucking sleep, undulating looneyblock shitbag."  
I collapsed beside him and kissed the top of his head. "Night sweetheart," I said, mainly kidding. He slapped in the general direction of my face. "Night, asshole."


	6. alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let the sadness begin

I woke up to a shrieking alarm. Karkat had no reaction but to roll over and groan, whereas I about flipped my shit.  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" I screamed. Thinking it was some sort of danger, I flew to my feet and yanked Karkat with me, pulling him towards the door. "COME ON, WE HAVE TO GET THE-"  
"Its an alarm, Sollux," he mumbled and resisted my dragging. _don't alarms mean danger???_  
"KARKAT, GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP WE HAVE TO-" "ITS A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK, CAPTOR!" I stopped dragging him.  
"What?"  
"Its my fucking alarm clock, that means its six in the fucking morning," he explained wearily, crawling back to the blankets.  
"Oh," I felt like a major idiot. I had never used an alarm clock before, so I wouldn't know. I just kind of... woke up. Early. Every school morning. I figured everyone else did...  
Guess not.  
Karkat mumbled more curses and stumbled into the bathroom. The light flowed into the bedroom, and I shielded my eyes. I heard water running and the room got warmer.  
"I'm going to shower, stay in there," he commanded, peaking out of the doorway. "Seriously, Captor."  
"Seriously, Captor," I mimicked back, high pitched and nasally. It earned me an eye roll and probably a slap when he got out. Ah, who cared, it was six in the morning. The door shut, instantly darkening the room save for the beam of light from beneath the door. I heard him bustle about in the shower, cursing here and there. Sitting alone, I felt the urge to break down and cry. Shaking my head to clear it, I figured it might be cool if I went and fixed breakfast.

I left the room, grabbing my shades and pulling them on. His kitchen was small, but it'd do for this culinary master. I started whipping up the best eggs this planet has ever seen, along with some toast because I'm just so cool. When he finally appeared from the room, wearing (shocker) a black, turtleneck sweater with the cancer symbol on it and long grey jeans. His hair was still wet and almost touched his shoulders. It was weird seeing it so flat and boring; it wasn't even a game to try and find the horns. They actually looked normal size, not the normal candy-corn babies. My eyes were fixed on his hair until he yelled, "Captor!" rather loudly, which broke my weird flat hair induced trance.  
"What?"  
"a. what are you doing in my kitchen, b. stop looking at my hair, and c. why are you wearing that apron?" he said, taking a seat at one of the barstools. I looked at the apron I found; it was covered in flowers and swirly pink curls. I found tucked away in one of the cabinets, and honestly couldn't help myself. I assumed (and hoped) it was a joke gift from Terezi.  
"I'm making you breakfast, you ungrateful shit, your hair is abnormal and no I will not stop, and why the fuck do you even own this apron," I answered, turning back to the eggs. I heard him grumble something but I continued my culinary perfection, flipping the eggs into a toast sandwich and putting that fucking masterpiece on a plate. I slid it to KK, and he looked questioningly at them, then to me.  
"What is this?" he asked, inspecting the sandwich.  
"Its an egg sandwich masterpiece," I responded, although I had thought it was quite obvious what it was. I took a bite of my own beauty, and damn I was such a good cook I had to take a step back and marvel at myself.

These are not eggs," he pointed to the fucking eggs.

"What do you mean? Of course they're eggs, braindead streetscum!"  
"Eggs are all liquidy with the weird orange-y blob. Not solid and bright yellow."  
"They're cooked, numbnuts." He sat in silence.  
"Oh, I get it," he said softly before biting into it. "Did you make thith?"  
"Are you mocking my lisp?"  
"No, mouth full."  
"No I didn't make them, the magical fucking fairy of goddamn eggs and toast made them. Who else would've made them?" he paused at the rhetorical question, and I was concerned he might try to answer it.  
"They're not bad," he said, and I assumed that was the closest to a compliment I'd get, so I took it.  
"I know they're not bad, I'm a god," I untied my apron and folded it onto the counter before sliding into the stool next to him. We ate in silence, and he moped to his room afterward. His hair was nearly dry but still oddly flat and I didn't get it.

I have no idea what happened in his room, but when he resurfaced, his hair was all Karkat-like and wild, and he somehow looked more tired.  
"Alright, well I'm off. Need a ride home? Its on the way," he offered, grabbing keys. I didn't trust his driving, but I did need a ride. So I shrugged and grabbed my stuff, following him into the car.

I made it home safely, surprisingly enough, and watched his car pull out and vanish off to the highway.  
As soon as he was gone, the urge to break returned, and I remembered why I didn't want to not end up back here.  
I remembered I was terrified of myself, without medicine.

The tears came swiftly, and I don't know why. I don't know why my organs dropped like rocks to the pit of my stomach, and my shirt was soaked with yellow tinted tears. The sobbing was silent, just me collapsed, shoulders heaving, each breath causing my body to shake. The tears turned to rage, and my blood was hot. I wanted to hit something, anything, just get it out. I pounded into the wall, driving my knuckles through and creating three separate holes that I will regret, but I couldn't stop. I clawed at my skin, raking my nails up my arm and across my chest. Why was this happening? My brain was drowning in aggressive actions and tears, and I didn't know how to handle it.  
I slammed my fist into the wall a fourth time, the hardest. My knuckles burned like crazy, but I didn't notice. My mind was still trying to figure why the hell this was happening.

Why am I doing this? I picked up my lamp and threw it against the wall; it broke and created yet another indention.  
Why can't I stop? My hands grabbed shoes, my phone, my glasses, anything lying around and threw those, too. I heard the shatter of my glasses and probably my phone, too.  
Then, I remembered. I remembered the small bottle of pills just downstairs, and I remembered that I had to take them.  
Oh, hell. I began to sprint downstairs before stopping. _Wait, why do I need pills? I'm fine._  
No, you're fucking not, look what you just did to your - our- room. Get your pills.  
No, I'm fine. Aahaha, yeah, I'm excellent!

I laughed loudly, it echoing off my walls. "Woo hoo!" I called, throwing myself down the stairs. My horns were repeatedly jammed into the stairs but I didn't notice. My head slammed against the floor when I reached the lower level, but I didn't care. Red and blue sparked and flashed in my eyes, making me lose vision for a bit. But I hopped to my feet, bounding into the downstairs bathroom and looking into the mirror.  
Blood dribbled from my within my hairline, webbing across the left half of my face. My nose was bleeding fairly badly as well, splattering onto my black shirt. My arms were covered in bruises and my knuckles were dripping with blood.  
"All in good fun, yeah?" I asked my reflection. He smiled back, showing a few broken teeth. Oh well!  
My mind switched gears again; why was I doing this?  
"Why is this happening?!" I yelled at myself. "Why am I doing this?"

My reflection had no answer to give. I pounded my fist into it; it cracked beneath my skin. I hit it again and again. I screamed my throat raw, until I couldn't scream any more. Tears mixed with the blood on my face, making me look completely yellow. I tried to talk, only to find my voice had left me. I stood, open-mouthed, staring at myself. Staring at this awful version of myself. Staring at what I had done to myself. I wiped the back of my hand against my flowing nose, making it worse. Time for a walk!  
I threw open my door, tripping into the street. I whistled, crossing the empty road. What a nice day. I walked leisurely, hands in my pockets, down the middle of the road. The sky was brewing in warning with dark clouds, but still I walked. A car whizzed by me, the driver screaming something as he swerved. Another, and another. I counted about ten in total when I reached the woods. The woods were on the left side of the highway, extending as far as the eye could see. I think its about time I explored them.  
The shade was very cool as opposed to the beating sun. I strolled through the trees, admiring the flora; everything looked so lovely. I giggled when I realized I didn't have shoes on. Silly me! I strolled on, wiggling my toes in the grass. Ooh, it felt nice. I giggled again, louder. The woods sure are fun.

After walking for some time, I wobbled to a halt, my blood loss and fatigue catching up with me. I collapsed against a tree, pressing my palm to my forehead and pulling it away a bright, dripping purple. I blinked and I was at the library where it happened. I was Eridan, veins flooding with jealousy and hurt and hatred, pulling my hand from Feferi's face. She was crying and I had her pinned, blood everywhere. I couldn't stop my fist from curling and hitting her again, and again, and again. I hammered her face, her neck, everywhere with my spiked rings. I tried to scream, I tried to stop, but I couldn't. It was like I was just a viewer in Eridan's body. My cheeks felt wet, and a darker purple mixed with the fuchsia beneath me. I was restrained, arms yanked back very unceremoniously. Feferi was dragged out from beneath me, or maybe I from atop her, I couldn't tell. The world was spinning and I saw me, lying slack against a bookshelf, surrounded by medics. I was lying in my own puddle of yellow, mainly emanating from my temple and a gash in my stomach. My gaze was blocked by blows coming from what I could tell was an officer; he socked me twice in the side of the head before he was restrained as well. My - Eridan's, really - glasses flew off and cracked against the floor. I saw varying shades of blue approach me, trying to figure out what happened, but I didn't know, nor could I answer. I had no voice, no anything. The vision flicker at the edges and disintegrated, leaving me staring at the ground.

The ground? Where the fuck was I? I opened my eyes to find I was in the woods, and vaguely remembered getting here. What was wrong with me?  
I stumbled to my feet and used the tree as a support. My body ached, and my face felt cracked and dry. I tried to yell for help, but my voice was weak and quiet. I doubt anyone heard me. Oh god, what have I done? Where am I? Oh my god, oh my god. shit.

My eyes felt like they should be crying, but nothing came out but my sputtering. I lost my balance and crashed to the ground again. Red and blue crackled in front of me ferociously, harshly battling with each other. It evolved to wild spasms of light, completely blocking my vision. When I closed my eyes it stayed, ever present. My head thumped harder than the beat of an army of drums, and I couldn't breathe anymore. There was just black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so to make it more clear sol has very severe bipolar disorder, so when he doesn't take his meds, even for that one night, his mind takes over and it get bad.


	7. without

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short

{Karkat's P.O.V.}

I ducked into my classroom just as the late bell chimed. Terezi giggled, and I gave a sigh of relief. My teacher eyed me wearily, knowing my habits of being late and not really caring, but didn't say anything. The class was silenced, and she began teaching. I pretended to listen, but my mind was on other matters. I was obsessing over last night, and what I had told Sollux, and what he told me, and not to mention the bulge-sucking. I had never opened up like that to anyone before. Terezi and I were only so close because she was there. I never had to spill my story like that. It felt surprisingly good, to not be so alone anymore.  
My classes flowed by swiftly, probably because I was half-asleep in most. Terezi attempted to have a real conversation with me at lunch, but I couldn't focus. I was so out of it. I drove home and crashed on the couch, pulling out my phone.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 15:56

CG: HEY SOLLUX  
CG: I KNOW YOURE HOME  
CG: ANSWER, WILL YOU?  
CG: SOLLUX  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU  
CG: IS YOUR PHONE DEAD  
CG: GOD, YOU CAN BE SO DUMB  
CG: ALRIGHT, WELL CHARGE IT, AND TEXT ME  
CG: OKAY?

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 16:20

I threw my phone to the other couch. What a fucking tool, forgets to charge his phone. Seriously. For such a computer geek, I figured he'd at least be on there. I had no doubts he forgets to charge his phone a lot, but a horrible feeling had settled into the pit of my stomach and I couldn't shake it.  
I got some food and returned to my couch, flicking on a movie. I texted Terezi a bit, she said I was acting funy but no she has not spoken with Sollux. I even considered texting that AA girl, Aradia I think? But I decided against it. I hardly knew her. She didn't even really tell me anything about Sollux, she was too good of a friend. God damn. God damn you, Captor. God damn Aradia. God damn the both of them. Jesus.  
Trying to focus on the movie and not Sollux was hard, and it was a task I could not perform. He kept plaguing my mind and it was driving me crazy, along with that gut feeling. Something was wrong. I tried to text him again, and again, to no avail. I guess I could try Aradia...

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 18:16

CG: HEY IM SOLLUXS FRIEND  
CG: I TEXTED YOU LAST NIGHT

AA: yes i remember  
AA: what d0 y0u need help with

CG: HAVE YOU SPOKEN WITH SOLLUX RECENTLY?

AA: n0t since last night

CG: NOT AT ALL SINCE THEN?

AA: n0  
AA: s0rry  
AA: why

CG: HE WONT ANSWER HIS PHONE

AA: thats unusual f0r him  
AA: he usually always answers

CG: YEAH, THE KID HAS NO LIFE  
CG: ANYWAY TEXT ME IF YOU HEAR FROM HIM

AA: 0k i will

CG: THANKS

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 18:20

_DAMN IT._  
I chucked my phone again, this time not bothering to aim for the couch. I just wanted it out of my hands. Gone.  
It clattered somewhere in a corner. Certainly wasn't serving any more purpose here than it is there now. I kept repeating that he was okay in my mind, but I felt sick and I didn't know why. I wanted to go over, but the probability that he's going to be there, watching some computer documentary or something, is too high. My personality could be so clingy sometimes, like I was a fucking sock out of the dryer.  
Just chill, I told myself, hopping to my feet and pacing. Chill. He's fine. He's fine. Relax, Vantas, just fucking relax. Jesus. I needed an excuse to go over there. Had he forgot anything? I crossed my fingers and checked my room for any abandoned belongings, and my eyes rested on a watch I vaguely remembered him checking at one point. Maybe. I didn't care if it was or wasn't, if it gave me an excuse, it worked.  
I pocketed the watch and flew into my car, flooring it to his house. My tires squealed as I pulled to a stop out front, and my mouth fell open. 

_oh, fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was so short but a bit of a cliffhanger at the end  
> hehe.


End file.
